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Sun Apr 10, 2016 5:33 pm

This is a little something I've written and would like to share with you all. It's the beginning of a book or novel of a sort.


”Dear Diary,
Today I have had enough. I am tired of living this way. Like so many other days before this one, I have been threatened, beaten and violated by my family. They do not even deserve to be called a family with how they treat me, their own flesh and blood. I just don’t care anymore. They don’t care about me, other than to use me as their punching bag. When I’m gone, I wonder if my best friend is going to cry over me. I wonder if my mother is going to break down every time she looks at herself in the mirror, picturing a perfect relationship with me. I wonder if my father’s eyes will ever stop mirroring my dead body once they find me. I wonder, if I had a boyfriend, if he would continue without me. I wonder, if my family will sit still at the table on the night of my funeral, not daring to say a word because I should be there to listen to them, or if my sister will look at my closed door, and convince herself I am still breathing behind it. I just can’t handle it anymore. They say they love me, but they never show it. They say they want to help, but how does beating me help anyone other than the ones dealing out their own anger? So right now I just don’t see a reason for smiling, or for talking, or for breathing. I’m just done.
To the member of my family who reads this once you find my body.. let this be my final words, so that you can all understand just how bad you have treated me and do it better for my sister.
Emotions. Bitter, deep, helplessly overwhelming emotions. Raw, piercing, repressed and uncontrollable.
I was aboard a train that kept gaining speed, heading towards a turn where it was sure to derail and crash. My only company was the emotions that coursed through me, trying to control me, and ever so slowly gaining the upper hand. Where I’ve going, what I’m going to become.. I couldn’t tell you that, because I didn’t know. Not yet. But I did know that there was no escape, because how can you escape from what is inside you? There’s no escape. There was only pain, and I could never outrun it, no matter what I did, no matter where I went. I often wished that I had a choice, a choice to make all of this stop. A choice to feel nothing, for once. But for so long, I was caught in a storm, a war inside my mind of emotions fighting their own battles.
The light of some emotions kept me going, kept me alive. But the darkness, the rage, the sadness, that forms the very base of the rest were getting so much stronger than the joy and love found in the light. I faked a smile, and a laugh. I participated in endless conversations and went about with my day, unnoticed and uncared for by others. Maybe it’s because they did not know, that they couldn’t tell – or maybe they simply did not care.
Maybe I could have been saved. Maybe the darkness was bound to take over.. and even so, I had hope. I hoped that someone would believe in me. That they would believe in me, like I wanted to believe in myself. But I was tired of hurting, tired of fighting. Tired of faking, pretending that everything was okay, that nothing was wrong. But I always had to fight to keep strong, to keep up the façade that fooled every last one of you into believing the lie. “I’m fine”. I said those two words too many times. I wasn’t fine. You didn’t understand the urge, the rage, or the fear. That I wanted to die, so I finally went through with it. I never asked for this. You couldn’t see how much I was hurting because it didn’t matter to you.. but it mattered to me.
I can’t take it anymore. All this time I was trying to fight it, but I finally reached the point where I just didn’t want to be brave anymore. And I knew those feelings too well, what they meant, but I could no longer understand them. They got worse, evolved, got darker. I wanted to be strong, strong enough to fix everything that was broken inside of me, but I wasn’t.
Imagine a beast in your stomach that curls into a pit, hissing and clawing when you get upset. Thorned tandrils around your heart that squeezes you into feeling nothing at all, nothing but satisfaction when you hurt yourself.
I repulsed you, I terrified you, and you were right in seeing me as a monster. But some of you.. you are the ones who turned me into this. Imagine a voice in the back of your head that you can’t shut off. A voice that keeps telling you that you’re not good enough, that you will never be loved, that you shouldn’t even try to live. That you should just give up, because who could ever care about you? Who could ever care about me..? I killed myself. Imagine a constant urge to blow up, to harm yourself, to just give up and.. fade. It’s like an itch that you can’t scratch, and no matter how long you wait for it to cease, it never does. Not until you scratch it. I didn’t ask for this.
You turned me into this, forced me over the very edge I was clinging to. You didn’t see the monster inside of me. And I wish I knew one thing, wish I had the time to ask you one final question to get an honest answer. Did you all do this on purpose? Do you now see what you’ve done, what the consequences of your actions are? How could you do this to me? And are you even sorry? Because I am. For what I’m about to do.
Sometimes I felt like my life was wasted. I wish I could have some kind of innocence. What was happening to me? I had these nightmares, and sometimes, they came true. And that had to mean something, right? Right..?
Rage, hate, and I couldn’t stop it. It just got worse, day by day, it got worse. I wanted to believe so badly, but it was so damn hard to do this, all on my own. There was so much evil in this family, and I felt like I was drowning in it. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I mean it. And when I think about how our family could have been, that there was something else.. maybe I could have been saved.
But my life just had to be a mess. Otherwise I wouldn’t believe it was real. And I was never okay, I was never fine.. and yet you kept torturing someone who had nothing left to have taken away. It wasn’t just the flashbacks anymore, it was like I was seeing through the cracks. It meant I had a hard time figuring out was real and what was not.
I lived in hell. I knew a thing or two about torture. This, me not knowing what’s real, the pain slowly peeling off my walls.. that was the sweet spot, and it never ended. It only ended when I couldn’t take it anymore. You know, after everything I have been through, after all of these years.. I’ve beat the devil before. This is different, and then not. I’m not in this hell anymore.. I’m moving on to greener pastures, just like I’m supposed to.
I’m sorry.”

Chapter 1

I woke up, cold stone underneath my body. Disoriented, I sat up, only to veer back in horror. In front of me sat a man like no other I had ever seen before. He was pale as a corpse, with eyes and hair as black as a ravens feather.
“Welcome back to the land of the living,” he said in a sonorous voice, before winking at me. “Or should I say the land of the dying. I’m Death.”
Bewildered, I stared at him before dissolving into a fit of laughing.
“You’re Death? So is this like the half pass between heaven and hell?” I asked, my voice incredulous. “Is this the part where you judge me on how I have lived my life, then send me to wherever I belong?”
He thinned his lips. “You could say that. I prefer to call it limbo, however. And you’re not dead just yet. I have a gift for you.”
That’s when the crushing truth hit. I was actually dead. Or dead as in out of my body and in a strange place with an even stranger man. I started sobbing like a child.
“I just want to find peace,” I choked out between my sobs.
He looked knowingly at me. “I know, but there is something else within you that interests me. That is why I’ve deemed you fit to offer this gift, or opportunity, if you’d rather call it that.”
His words reached me through my heaving sobs, sending a chill down my spine, a sense of foreboding. “What gift?”
“The gift of immortality, but it comes with a price. A job, actually.” He looked gravely at me. He was being serious, not joking with me.
“How does that work?” I asked, scared yet intrigued by the possibility of immortality.
A smile spread his lips, revealing teeth just as white as his skin. “You see, I have been wandering this earth for a millennia, give or take a few centuries. Through all of this time, I have been immortal. I have not needed sleep, nor food or water. I have been invisible to everyone but the souls, human and animal alike, that I have come to reap. I have travelled this earth along with my 3 brothers. By now, you must be able to guess who they are?”
Flashback to a history lesson about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The enormity of this revelation, and its immediate truth, shocked me to my core. “War, Famine and Pestilence.” I whispered, barely audible.
“Very good. Yes, they are my brothers and sisters. We have always been here, watching everything. I stand for death and loss. My brother, War, stands for violence and manslaughter. My sister Pestilence stands for disease and addiction, and my youngest sister Famine stands for hunger and plenty. Together the four of us makes up what makes this earth work. Without death, there would be no purpose to life. Without war, there would be nothing to fight for. Without pestilence, there would be no sickness. And without famine, there would be no fields for growing crops, no trees for growing fruits and the like. Together we stand for balance.”
I listened intently to his words, considering what they meant, and what this could mean for me. At last I asked him. “But why me? What makes me so special?”
His eyes widened slightly in surprise. “Why, you do not know? You have withstood 19 years of emotional and physical torture without breaking. Do you know how many people can say the same?” he asked softly. “Your will to fight back against the urge to give up, and not breaking until so many years have passed shows me that you possess incredible willpower. It is one of the traits valued the most by the four of us.”
I frowned. “I’ve only lasted this long because I was afraid to die. I was afraid what would become of me after I died, where I would go. If there really is a heaven and hell, and if so, where I would belong..” I hesitated. “The thought of killing myself terrified me to begin with, but it was always at the back of my mind.”
“Yes, but you didn’t give in to it until now. That shows strength and bravery beyond compare. “ He reached out for my hand and grabbed it. His skin was cold, and very white against my tanned summer skin, but I did not pull away from him.
“This is certainly an improvement over when I was first brought here a millennia ago for the same situation as you are in.” He laughed softly, a pleasant sound in the otherwise deafening silence. “I kept believing this to be some sort of ploy, or a hallucination I was having on my death bed. Perhaps the world as it is now shapes you better compared to what it did me.”
“How old were you?” I asked, intrigued by this new knowledge.
He smiled slightly. “I was 21 when I took my own life by jumping off of a cliff. Immortality makes me ageless, so I am still 21 years old.. although the pale skin makes me look older than I really am.. If I can allow myself to say that. After all, I am over a thousand years old.” He winked at me.
Unexpectedly, I started smiling and the tension left my shoulders. “If this is death, then it isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.”
He threw back his head and laughed. “You are delightful. You are the first to see me like this; all other souls I reap will see me coming, or being a bystander when an accident or the likes claims their lives. I then help the souls move on so that they do not get trapped here in this world.. they do not belong here.”
“Where do they go? Is there a heaven and hell?” I asked breathlessly, absorbing his words.
“No.. there is no heaven or hell as you humans describe it. There is only a mirage – a place where souls are sent to drift around eternally. But do not fret; it is beautiful out there. You humans picture heaven as a place in the sky where you float around on clouds, and you see hell as a fiery dark pit of torment. In this mirage, there is neither and every soul is welcomed without judgement of their life and actions. The souls live their life as they would have in the world, but deprived of needs. Their actions, however, have complications. If a soul commits a crime against another, they are sentenced to spend eternity in limbo. Limbo is a dark place without any light. You cannot see, or feel. You cannot smell, and you cannot touch. You are robbed of all your senses and left as such. It is a fate much worse than anything you could ever imagine.” He frowned. “It is my job to escort the souls there who have behaved badly, and even though I am over a millennia old, that place still scares me.”
I shivered at the thought of not feeling anything at all for eternity. “Limbo sounds like an awful place.” I shuddered. “Is there anything else I should know before I make a decision?”
Again he laughed. “This is so refreshing. Truly, it is. You are so calm; I would never have imagined just how so.” He pursed his lips and tilted his head slightly, lost in thought. “If you accept this offer, I will cease to exist and you will take my place. My brother and sisters are doing the same as I. We are each finding our replacement to last for another millennia, or more. The four new horsemen will be immortal until all of you agree on ceasing to exist. Then you will start your own recruiting, and the cycle goes on. It is a binding contract that needs to be signed with an action that signifies what each horseman represents. In your case, that would be death – you signed your contract when you killed yourself. It is not binding, however, unless you recite an oath. If you choose not to accept, you will pass into the mirage, and I will look for another possible replacement.”
“Could I have a few minutes to think about this?” I choked out.
“Of course.”
I was intrigued and excited, but I was also scared as hell. Would I be lonely? Would I be good at being Death? What would the horse new horsemen be like, and would we get along? What happened if we didn’t? Hundreds of thoughts flew through my mind like an arrow shot from a bow. Some were pleasant, others were not. And one thought lingered as I made my decision. Could I take revenge on my family?
“I have decided.” I said, my voice firm. “I will take your place.”
A radiant smile lit up his face. “Excellent. Before we begin, I want to introduce you to someone.” He stuck his fingers in his mouth and sounded a piercing whistle.
A black horse materialized next to us. Its eye was fiery red, flickering like a flame. Its mane and tail was made of black smoke that drifted around it. It was huge, and it was absolutely beautiful.
“This is your steed. You can name it whatever you see fit, and he will always listen to you. He will also advice you when the need is for it. He can take you anywhere in the blink of an eye which comes in handy when reaping souls from all over the world.”
“He is amazing.. but can he move fast enough to reap all souls all over the world? There is so many people dying every second it seems impossible for him, and for you, to keep up with it.”
Death smiled. “You need not personally reap every single soul. Most will move on by themselves, but there are the stubborn ones that want to linger. Think of them as ghosts – with unfinished business. Your job will be to control them, and help them move on.”
“I see..” I murmured, staring at the gorgeous stallion. “I have chosen a name for him. Thanatos.”
“Good. Here is the oath that you must repeat after me to sign the contract and take my place.”
I listened, and remembered every word as he spoke it.
“I, the new Death, hereby pledge myself to this cause. I accept the offer I have been presented. I agree to the job I must perform from here on out, and to keep watch over the living and the dead.”
A feeling I could not describe welled up inside of me. It filled me, utterly and completely, owning me. It burned me, and caressed me. I stretched my arms towards the sky, and an explosion of black light burst forth from my fingers.
“It is complete. Now you must complete your first task as the new Death,” the old Death said behind me. Turning towards him, I found myself stunned. He was no longer pale and ghastly. He was tan, with lush brown hair and sea green eyes.
“This is what I looked like when I died,” he said with a smile. “I am now human, and you need to release my soul and let me find peace.”
I closed my eyes and released the breath I had not realized I was holding. Reaching out with my mind, I found a glowing golden spark where he stood. I pictured grabbing the spark in my hands, and flinging it towards the sky high above.
“Thank you..” his voice whispered, and then he was gone.
Dizziness overwhelmed me, and I saw black spots. I collapsed, a feeling of falling and then nothing.

---------------------------------------------* * *
I was back in my room and I was staring down at my own corpse. It was beyond bizarre. I lifted my hands in front of my face, expecting them to be invisible and intangible. Instead I was staring at the whitest arms I had ever seen.
“No way.” I whispered.
I made my way to the mirror on my left. I stared at my own reflection. My first reaction was horror. Who was the stranger staring back at me? Upon closer inspection, I found my own traits in the pale person staring back at me. She had my face shape, but her skin was white as snow. Her eyes looked like mine, but they were black, bottomless pits that someone had painted onto her face. And her hair was blacker than black.
I slowly lifted my hand, touching my face. My skin was warm under my touch, something I did not expect. I realized that if I could feel my own skin, I had to be real. But the corpse laying on my bed begged to differ.
I turned and kneeled beside my bed, reaching out and touching the human shell that once used to be me. Her skin was purple and waxy, her hands and feet turning blue. With a jolt, I knew that it meant that I had been dead for around 4 hours. I had no idea how I knew; I just knew. Could that be an ability that I now had?
Throwing a quick glance at the clock on my bedside table, I learned that it was nearly 6:30pm. That meant that we would have to eat soon.. and it also meant someone would find me dead in my room. Our evening meal almost always ended in disaster with my stepfather being as he was towards me. There was no end to his torrent of verbal abuse, and I just turned the other cheek. I never said no, despite how angry I would be. With a perverse satisfaction, I hoped that it would be him who found me like this. I’d like to see his reaction; and I’d like to see his face when he reads my diary to see that this is partly because of him.
I am going to miss sister though. I have only stayed strong for this long for her sake. Now she’s old enough to get the help I didn’t. That is all I’m going to miss. I don’t miss the violence, the abuse. I won’t miss the constant companion I carried on my shoulders; the burden of not being able to tell anyone what I was going through.
I settled into the chair in the corner of my room and faced the door. I knew they would not be able to see me; only the dying, the other Horsemen and myself could see me.
The clock on my wall ticked away the minutes as they passed into the void of time. Outside of my window, the sky turned orange and then pink as the sun set.
I lost track of time. And then I could hear footsteps in the hallway, a knock on the door. It was my mother, and she was calling my name.
The door opened, casting in a beam of light from the hallway. The light reached my body, and my mothers breath caught in her throat. I could hear it. And then she started screaming.
She just kept screaming. She even kept screaming, standing motionless in place, when my stepfather burst through her and into my room. He noticed my body; and he paled. His first real facial reaction was pure terror. It was oddly satisfying.
My mother finally stopped screaming when my sister pushed her aside. She froze in place, and then threw herself over my body, shaking me. She was begging me to wake up. She knew I was gone, but she didn’t want to believe it. I could see it in her face.. the realization. And she started keening.
Last edited by Camiracundus on Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Mon Apr 11, 2016 8:59 pm

This is amazing! :o I'm always reading and this is very well written if you wanted to post chapters and stuff you should do it on wattpad (if you don't have it already) I use that for my reading and writing and I love it :p
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Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:35 pm

jami wrote:This is amazing! :o I'm always reading and this is very well written if you wanted to post chapters and stuff you should do it on wattpad (if you don't have it already) I use that for my reading and writing and I love it :p
I do have a wattpad :) It's just a lot quicker to get feedback on here than it is on Wattpad :)
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Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:56 pm

Damn girl that's good o-o
When will you post chapter 2?
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Fri Apr 15, 2016 7:01 pm

Harrahmastylica7 wrote:Damn girl that's good o-o
When will you post chapter 2?
Once I've written it :lol: I'm starting tonight sometime
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Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:46 pm

Updated and conluded chapter 1
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